Were you taught to never give up?
Were you taught to not be a quitter and to never give up? Sometimes we do need to be strong and keep moving forward through something that is difficult and also necessary or important to us. And sometimes we need to know when to call it - which is tough, especially when we’ve been conditioned to believe that making a change means that we are quitting, and quitting is bad, weak, or flakey.
If you are feeling like you want to make a change, whether it is related to job, relationship, activity, or some other responsibility, consider why you want to change and why you are considering staying. It’s important to pay attention to what your core values are guiding you to do. Often, the values aligned choice can be difficult, especially when it involves a big change.
Take a look at your commitments and if you are feeling overwhelmed, consider where you can delegate, step back, or not take on more. Saying yes to one thing conversely means saying no to something else, and our time and energy (and health!) are limited resources. Be thoughtful about what you say yes to. As often as you can, make choices that are aligned with your values and that you can feel good about in some way.
Are you maintaining a friendship out of guilt and obligation? Are you staying in a relationship for the kids or because you don’t feel like you have any other options? Do you feel like you need to set some boundaries with your family? Relationships can be more difficult because there are many reasons why people maintain the connection. When the staying is tied to safety or security, there is more work to be done and it can be helpful to get support around those reasons. Consider the health of the relationship and what you are teaching your kids about love and relationships. Is the relationship physically and emotionally safe and nurturing? What would you think if your kid was in a friendship or romantic relationship like this one?
Are you staying in a job you don’t like because you value stability and security? You can focus on those reasons for staying while you consider other options that can also create stability and security. It took me a couple years of working through values conflicts (security versus flexibility) before I took the leap and left my stable, secure job to start an independent practice.
Making changes in any area can be difficult and it sometimes feels worse before it feels better. Change is scary and humans are not wired to voluntarily do things that are scary. Life is a series of choices and the more often we make choices that line up with our core values, the more likely we are to stay on a meaningful path. Making values-aligned choices and changes is not weakness. It’s a strength, and it’s a form of self-compassion - fierce self-compassion.
If you are struggling with making an important change, therapy can help you examine your reasons and choices and develop an understanding of your core values. Change requires courage and seeking help is a sign of strength. Recognizing when you need to make a change for your wellbeing is not weakness. Please consider what you need before you reach a breaking point.
Jennifer Miesch, Ph.D.
