Why Do I Feel Angry So Often?
There’s an old bumper sticker that says “if you’re not angry you’re not paying attention.” I quote this frequently because there is always something to be angry about if you are reading the news, paying attention in your community, or just living as a human in the world. We are going to feel anger at times and anger in itself is not a bad emotion. It can actually be important information, and how we respond to the anger matters.
We often feel anger in response to a core value being violated (for example, when you see an injustice occurring). In cases like this, when we are able to understand what is happening, anger can be motivating to take action to defend ourselves or others. Anger can also be the protective emotion covering the tender, more vulnerable and scary emotions underneath (such as feeling sad, scared, disappointed, or hurt). In this case, anger can make us feel stronger in the moment. This can serve us well when we need to escape a bad situation. But sometimes it can be a diversion away from what really needs to be tended and cared for. Anger can be easier to feel than sadness, fear, or helplessness. It can give us a feeling of power and control (when in reality we are often more out of control when anger runs unchecked). We often feel angry when stressors have exceeded the resources available to us. This can be when we are tired, hungry, overworked, being taken advantage of, or burned out. Or we just lack the skills to cope with anger because we were never taught this and it is a skill to be learned.
Several years ago I started regularly using the phrase “productively focused anger.” What do my values guide me to do? How do I want to respond to this? What is actually within my control? This is the fierce side of self-compassion - when we need to take action to protect ourselves or others. And sometimes we actually need to embrace the anger and see that we are scared, being harmed in some way, or we just need to take a break and recharge.
Anger is never an excuse to be harmful. Some folks feel entitled to lash out at others while blaming them for their anger. This is never okay and should not be tolerated. Children need help learning how to cope with big angry feelings (which when you think about it, is usually based in disappointment or hurt). If you have found yourself lashing out at others (which most of us have done), it’s not too late to learn how to cope differently.
The better we can understand what is happening when we feel angry, the better able we are to take care of ourselves and others. Take some slow breaths, give yourself a break, and when you feel ready, take a look at what is actually happening and ask yourself what you need right now. The acronym STOP can be helpful in these moments. Stop, Take a breath, Observe (what is actually happening), Proceed (responding from your values rather than just reacting). This is the place from where real power can grow.
If you feel like to need to work on better understanding the anger you feel, congratulations on taking this step. And remember that you already are enough, just as you are. Now is the time for self-compassion, because it is not possible to shame yourself out of feeling anger.
Thank you for reading. Please share if you found this content helpful.
Jennifer Miesch, Ph.D.
