In honor of Pride Month, but please be a good human every month
I’ve been in the field of mental health for more than 20 years and I’ve worked with a lot of people. Over the years, I’ve had people tell me that I saved their life. An overwhelming majority of the people who have told me that identify as gay, non-binary, or trans. This is not a political or religious post. This is not a post about me. This is a post about being a good human — about love and affirmation. This is a post about saving lives.
For the people who told me I saved their life, I was primarily being kind and affirming and listening and supporting with unconditional positive regard. I wasn’t using deep and mysterious psychoanalysis or manualized treatment (not that I ever do this). I was being kind. I was validating them and celebrating them. I was interested in them as humans and what is most important to them and supporting them to make decisions that align with their values. I wasn’t interested in pathologizing them. I do teach coping and distress tolerance skills, and I teach people how to manage thoughts of suicide and plan for safety, but it is hard to teach people how to cope with being rejected by their family.
Most of the people I’ve worked with who wanted to die were not affirmed by their loved ones. Some were kicked out of their homes as teenagers. Some were still able to be in the family as long as they hid who they were. The number of LGBTQ+ folx who die by suicide is alarming. And I want to be very clear that being LGBTQ+ is not a risk factor. Being rejected by loved ones and communities is a risk factor. Having one’s basic human rights voted against and attempts made to erase and invalidate identities is a risk factor. Not receiving gender affirming care is a risk factor. Being told that you are sinful, a disgrace, or worse is a risk factor. Not being allowed to fully participate in a faith that is meaningful to you is a risk factor. Death by violence is a risk.
I have heard that it can be confusing or difficult for people who don’t understand what it means to be LGBTQ+. I have heard that trans and non-binary can be confusing at first. But there is no shortage of good information available these days. If someone you know comes out to you and you don’t know how to respond or you feel scared or confused, you can start by thanking them for trusting you to be open with them. And then you can learn more about their identity. If they say they are trans, non-binary, gender fluid, or some variation of this, ask if their name is different from the one you’ve known, ask their pronouns, thank them for sharing, ask how you can best be supportive of them, and let them know how happy you are to know them authentically. If your child comes out to you and it is hard for you or you don’t understand, then please do the work to understand. It’s okay for it to feel hard for you. It’s okay for you to feel sad that your child’s identity doesn’t match what you thought it was. But it’s not okay to continue to force them into an identity that isn’t theirs, even if you tell them you love them. Get some good education and your own support and if you feel the need to grieve the different identity of your kid, do it, but please don’t put it on them. Affirming people saves lives.
Young folx, if your identity isn’t accepted by your family, please hang in there. There is support available to you and I promise you there are lots of people in the world waiting to meet you. There will come a time when you can make choices about where you live and what you do and you can create your chosen family. There are even churches and religions that will embrace you if you want that. For support, please visit https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ or https://translifeline.org/.
If you are looking for therapy, ask the therapist if they are affirming of LGBTQ+ identities. If they are vague or use language about being tolerant or accepting or that a person’s identity doesn’t matter to them, move on and keep looking. There are many great therapists out there who are affirming.
Thank you for reading this. Now let’s all go be good humans.
— Jennifer Miesch, Ph.D.
The Being Enough Blog
