You can’t make someone else understand you
You can decide how long you are willing to keep trying.
I hear a lot of people say things along the lines of “how do I get him to understand?” or “why can’t they see how much this is annoying me?” I see people suffering in relationships and situations in which their needs, wants, and preferences are continually dismissed or ignored. This is challenging but there are some ways to approach the challenge productively.
First, many of us are not taught how to effectively communicate our needs, wants, and preferences. This can be because as a child or in other relationships we weren’t allowed to have needs, wants, or preferences; because it hasn’t been safe to express them; or we simply were not taught how to state a preference or let someone know when they are bothering us. Appropriately assertive, kind, clear communication (without being aggressive or passive-aggressive) is a skill. But when you communicate appropriately and are met with conflict, defensiveness, contempt, or the silent treatment, you are likely to give up and stop trying to communicate.
Second, many people have not been not taught the impact that their actions have on others. We might not be told when our actions have a negative impact on someone else - perhaps because the person we are impacting doesn’t want us to feel bad or because that person also doesn’t know how to communicate what they need or when something is bothering them. So we just continue on with behaviors that are annoying or hurting someone else and we aren’t going to change something when we aren’t aware of the impact. Living with other people or being in close relationships is inevitably going to come with annoyances that are made worse when we can’t gently and clearly communicate with them.
Many of us are then left feeling unable to communicate our needs. We don’t know how to, we don’t want others to feel bad, we’ve tried and nothing changed, or we avoid the discomfort of the conflict that might result. We have not been taught how to effectively navigate uncomfortable conversations so we end up avoiding them and then resentment builds, and then perhaps one day we explode and what could have been a simple conversation becomes a major blow up. It’s not fair to another person or to yourself to harbor resentment when you have not clearly communicated that something is bothering you (making passive aggressive comments doesn’t count). The flip side of this is that many of us don’t know how to receive feedback without getting defensive and argumentative about it, thus the feedback loop continues.
We can learn how to effectively communicate and receive feedback, and in relationships that have a basis of care and respect, we can work through this. The work of Julie and John Gottman, who have been researching relationships for decades, says that in healthy relationships we should “assume positive intent” and respond to our partners in an open and non defensive way. It takes effort to create the conditions of safety to communicate openly and honestly so that resentment doesn’t build and erode the relationship.
(As an aside, as our kids are growing and developing it is important to kindly teach them the impact their actions can have on others, how to communicate effectively, and to teach them how to receive constructive feedback and respond appropriately.)
Then there are people who just don’t seem to care about the impact they have on others. They might be selfish, self-absorbed, narcissistic, abusive, lack emotional maturity, or are just plain thoughtless. This is the group in which I tell people that you can clearly communicate your needs, wants, and preferences. You can clearly communicate your perspective. You cannot make someone else understand you or want to work with you to reach a compromise. You cannot make someone care about you, your perspective, or the impact they have on you. In these situations it’s up to you to decide how long you are willing to try to communicate and continue to be dismissed, ignored, or made to feel like you are the problem. (This is even more difficult when abusive or controlling behaviors are present and that involves safety planning and support beyond a blog post.)
We have to be aware at any given time how much energy we feel like we have to enter into a potentially uncomfortable conversation with a partner. But here’s the thing – if you feel like you are never (or rarely) able to have conversations in which you express your needs, wants, or preferences or the other person is not able to hear the impact they have on you without shutting down or getting argumentative or defensive, this is not a healthy relationship. Unless they (or you both) are willing to do the work, it will not work. The other side is that you also need to be willing to hear their perspective. Regardless of the baggage we have (and we all have some!), the patterns we have developed, or the skills we lack, we can all do the work to learn how to be a better communicator and show up with emotional maturity in relationships. It’s up to you to decide how long you are willing to keep trying with someone who isn’t willing to do the work.
Therapy can help you learn how to better understand your needs and wants, communicate more effectively, and set appropriate boundaries. If you are interested in working with me, click the “schedule a free consultation” button on any page of my website: https://jennifermieschphd.com/
If you feel unsafe or are experiencing violence or abusive or controlling behavior please contact a local domestic violence hotline or shelter or the National Domestic Violence Hotline (the website contains helpful resources and contact information for calling or texting for support):https://www.thehotline.org/here-for-you/
— Jennifer Miesch, Ph.D.
The Being Enough Blog
A blog post is not a substitute for mental health therapy.
