On Grief
“And the greatest gift of life is to know love” – Emily Saliers (Indigo Girls)*
To know grief is to have known love. They are two sides of the same coin. The unbelievable anguish and loss, the deep chasm that feels like it will never end – this is grief. The deep ache of loss is the love that wants to see, hear, touch, and talk to the person who is gone.
When experiencing grief, recognize it for what it is. Name it. Acknowledge it. Validate it. Provide some self soothing. Place your hands on your heart or wrap your arms around yourself in a hug. Allow yourself to feel it. Talk about it. Write about it. This doesn’t feel like enough and it’s not, really, but it’s what we can do.
Honor the pain and turn toward it. So often the immediate reaction is to avoid and try to make it go away. Instead of avoiding it, validate it. Remember that grief is a deeply human experience. And in fact, it’s not just human – there is evidence that other animals also experience grief. It is said that crows and ravens hold “funerals” for those who have died.
Sometimes the reality of the loss doesn’t hit until it seems like everyone else has moved on. The flowers have dried up, people stop bringing food, you’re expected to get back to work. It can feel impossible to get out of bed and face the day. Again, name it, honor it, and go take a shower. Most likely your loved one wouldn’t want you to stay in bed and smell bad. Be patient with yourself. This takes time.
Remember the love. Feel gratitude for this person and their life. Connect with others. Acknowledge the loss. There are others who also want to talk about the person who is gone. Oftentimes, people don’t know what to say, so they don’t say anything. Or they are afraid to make others sad, so they don’t mention the person. Say their name. Say that you miss them. Say what you miss about them. Acknowledging your grief gives others permission to grieve as well.
Plant something, contribute to something meaningful, find a way to honor them - either through a value of theirs or yours. This helps you make meaning of their life and your loss. Join with others who also loved or knew the person. There is power in connection and community.
This isn’t about making the grief and pain go away. There is no need to fix it. There is nothing to be fixed. Let the tears flow. Let the love flow.
If you find yourself laughing or experiencing a moment of joy, allow it without guilt. You are allowed to experience pleasure even in the depths of grief. In fact, this is part of the healing and honoring the person. You can deeply miss a person with your entire body and soul and still smile upon noticing something pleasant. At my Uncle Jim’s funeral, the family was off to the side in a separate room before the service and someone made a comment that Jim would have said (he was a very funny man with a great sense of humor). The priest opened the door and shushed us, and with a twinkle in his eye said that there were grieving people in the church, which then made us laugh even harder because Jim would have thought it was hilarious that we were being shushed by the priest at his funeral – in fact, he would have egged us on and probably was. And My Uncle Bob always said he would be disappointed if people weren’t laughing at his funeral.
Grief begets grief. Another loss – a death, whether it is someone you knew well or an acquaintance; a life transition; or some other ending, can stir up grief that had started to feel settled. It’s like the board game Sorry – when you’re almost home safe and then you unexpectedly get knocked back a few spaces or sent back to the start. But with grief there isn’t an end to reach, and with time you create your own new space of home or comfort within your heart where your loved one remains with you, unseen but felt deeply.
Reach out, seek support, connect. There is not a goal to accomplish and the path is not linear. The five stages? They are part of a process, not boxes to check off and complete. Grief does not end – your relationship with grief changes over time. Sometimes it feels like it is all that there is. Other times it is off to the side, slightly out of focus but still there. Then something comes up (perhaps an anniversary, a song, a smell, a memory, or another loss) and it’s right in view again. That’s okay. This is just the process. There is still nothing wrong with you and nothing to be fixed. You are not broken. You are feeling the physical loss of love. Let the love flow through you and from you and back into you.
— Jennifer Miesch, Ph.D.
The Being Enough Blog
*The song is “All That We Let In,” from the Album All That We Let In, Indigo Girls, 2004, Sony BMG Entertainment.
This website and blog are not intended to diagnose or treat any mental health conditions. Blog posts are not a substitute for mental health therapy.
