The one where we talk about feeling like we are fresh out of F’s during perimenopause
Feeling like you have so few f@cks left to give?
There is a surge in popularity of memes about not giving a f@ck, and groups and podcasts such as “We do not care” and “Gen X women are sick of this shit.” I enjoy these groups and the lighthearted banter of women feeling more free and caring less about what other people think as they age. I also hear this a lot in therapy and among my friends. It can be one of the upsides that occur around the time of moving into menopause.
I saw a post recently in which a woman asked about the difference between not caring and depression. This is a very important distinction. Caring less about what other people think because you are more focused on what really matters to you and wanting to live authentically is empowerment. Not caring about taking care of yourself, not doing the things that actually do matter to you, and not doing the things that you need to do are symptoms of depression. If you are feeling depressed, please seek appropriate support.
If you are feeling like you don’t give a f@ck anymore, or are on edge and angry much of the time, you are likely feeling burned out, overwhelmed, and under-appreciated. Those of us who have been socialized as women have typically been told that focusing on ourselves is selfish. We have been conditioned to take care of and prioritize everyone else, often to the point of burnout and exhaustion, hence feeling like you have so few f@cks left to give. The irony is, when you take care of yourself and nurture your interests, values, and health, you will have more energy and mental space to also show up for others, if that is important to you.
As you age, it’s important to figure out what you do care about now. Part of that can be letting go of what doesn’t really matter to you, what is no longer worth your time and energy, and what doesn’t feel authentic. This can be old habits and beliefs, unhealthy relationships, and old stories that you’ve been telling yourself for years that are holding you back or causing pain. It’s normal and healthy for priorities and interests to change throughout life. The script that served you well in your 20s might not fit as well at 40 or 50.
So, what lights you up? What interests you? What do you feel a glimmer of excitement about? Pay attention to when you smile or notice even a fleeting moment of happiness or peace. The flipside of this is noticing what bothers you or what gets you riled up. That is also important information in figuring out what matters.
If you are feeling unsure about what matters most to you or how you want to spend your time and energy, learning about your core values can be helpful. Your core values are your internal compass whether you are aware of them or not. We tend to not feel great about ourselves and our lives when we are not living in ways that align with our values or when our values are being challenged or oppressed. If you are living in a situation in which you cannot be authentic, that’s not going to feel good. And if your values, identity, voice, rights, or safety are being challenged or oppressed, anger is a natural reaction to this. Also, knowing your core values and understanding why you are doing what you’re doing can reduce stress and anxiety, both mentally and physiologically.
So, is it time to edit your story? Is it time to figure out what’s important at this point in your life? It’s nice to have at least a few f@cks left for what matters most to you. Meaningful things are often challenging but feel worth it.
Therapy can help you get clear on what matters most, what you want to be doing, and how you want to focus your limited time and energy. You may not need or want therapy, but please do find the people, animals, activities, causes, music, art, books, nature, or whatever it is that helps you feel connected, replenished, healthy, and alive.
I specialize in working with women who are experiencing perimenopause and menopause, anxiety, stress, overwhelm, and burnout. I also help women take a look at their lives, the stories they have come to believe, and examine if those stories still fit or if it’s time to rewrite some of them. If you are interested in working with me, click the “schedule a free consultation” button on any page of my website: https://jennifermieschphd.com/. I am able to work with people in 43 US states and territories.
Thank you for reading. Be well. And remember, whatever you are doing, you already are enough.
-Jennifer Miesch, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist and author of The Being Enough Blog
https://jennifermieschphd.com/blog
A blog post is not a substitute for mental health therapy. This blog is not intended to diagnose or treat any physical or mental health conditions.
